I'll Take a Rain Check, Konekochan
by Iris C
Summary: A Haru fanfic. First person pov. A bit melancholy, a bit dangerous, a bit sexy, a bit mad. Akito is going to be in this. Yes, it will be mad. HaruxKyou. Chapter 6 up? Nobody remembers this XD
1. Ichi

I'll Take a Rain Check, Koneko-chan   
  


Author's Note: This is a Haru fic, because, well, I adore Haru and hold the belief that he deserves more fics. Technically, I have no idea where I am going with this despite the suggestive title. Everything is subject to change. ^^; (Jan 2003)  
  
  


Chapter 1  
  


The world seemed to have gone mute as I watched them. Kyou, as usual, was yelling at Yuki over a rather dizzy-eyed Tohru. Koneko-chan never learned to shut up, and he argued every time with a renewed passion as if he had a chance against Yuki's satirical pacifism. Yuki. I studied the porcelain face betraying not even the slightest notion of backing down. His eyes focused on the ceiling all the while delivering cutting words to his natural enemy, who suddenly snapped with fury from hell. For a moment I thought Kyou's orange hair had turned into fire, his eyes shooting fire rings, and he became a part fire-breathing...er, cat. But then she stepped in, with her qualmish stance and two hands separating the two. I can almost trace her words as her lips mouthed "anou..." Then something cracked in Yuki's impassive posture, just a thin line perhaps, down his porcelain skin... he shook his head... and down... he murmured apologetic words... and down... he smiled.  
  


Kyou grunted.  
  


But Tohru laughed, and Kyou's fangs were gone just like that, replaced with a sheepish smile. It was strange to see Yuki and Kyou smile consecutively. They never smile, and once I had dismissed that as part of their character. It was what made them 'tragically beautiful.'  
  


I was into metaphors, imageries and pretty words then.  
  


Honda Tohru. Her meek body and soft features beguiled me at first, I thought her a fool, just a cute fool. She wasn't, Tohru wasn't an idealist like me who found excuses in words and fate. Tohru was a doer. She was manipulative vixen (I imagined her as one and sweatdropped), well, one that doesn't realize it. There, those idiots were still beaming at her, like two Sohma slaves looking for a continuous acceptance. They reminded me vaguely of a family. A rather malfunctioning one, if you will, but still a family.  
  


I recalled the day when Yuki decided he had enough of the Sohma family. He had left. He had left without giving us a chance. He had left without giving me a chance. Sometimes I wondered, If I had been human, whether Yuki would have let me in then, whether Kyou would have let me in. No matter how much they hated each other, they always had a bond. I've tried so hard to penetrate that bond. No, to be apart of that bond, to be the one...that makes both of them smile. But the coward in me restrained me to step in, and I spent lifetimes idly staring, analyzing and spacing out. Plus, I didn't look cute in a skirt and flowy ribbons. I was not Honda Tohru.  
  


Nauseous... all of a sudden. I raked my hand against the nearest wall, and tried to stand up.   
  


"Oi! Haru! Baka ushi! Where did you go off to now? Oiiii!" Kyou was suddenly next to me, yelling gratuitously into my eardrums.   
  


I tried to breathe, think of wide open spaces...wide open spaces... He slapped me in the back of my head. I snapped. "What do you want?!? Baka neko!?!"  


Kyou gave me a freaked look, studying me a bit and softening his tone. I knew what he was thinking, that he had awoken his holiness 'Black Haru', and that he was on his way to either hell or another black eye. "Lunch is ready, is all."  
  


"Arigatou," I said. Standing up, I noticed I was a bit taller than Kyou 'sempai.' I couldn't help but to smile, remembering all those times in elementary school, when cool, big brother Kyou used to hold my hand and lead me around the school. I honestly do not know why I get lost so often. Some people thought I was retarded, but Yuki said once, he said I just thought too much, a little too much maybe, for my own good.  
  


"What's with you today, Haru? You didn't forget where the kitchen was did you? Do I have to hold your hand and guide you there or something?"  
  


He was teasing me, with a wicked smile. He used to tease me too, but it was always marked by petulance, and a scowl. "No."  
  


"What?"  
  


"No, I didn't forget."  
  


Kyou blinked. "Haru..."  
  


"I'm not very hungry today, Kyou, please apologize to Honda-san for me," I bowed. "I think I'll go take a walk."  
  


"Na...nani? Kid...you all right?"  
  


Kid. I was still a kid to him.   
  


I turned and smiled. "I'm fine, Koneko-chan, really."  
  


"Hey! Don't you be like that Ayame!" I yelped as he grabbed for me, swinging an arm across my neck and squeezing the life out of it. "I'll disown you! I swear I will."  
  


"Okay okay, I won't call you Koneko-chan, and I'm only going on a walk, not jumping off a cliff."  
  


He let go of me then give me a look. "Hey, listen. I know Hatori is a good guy and all, but he's always busy with his medical stuff, not to mention Ayame" he drenched the three syllables with maniacal bitterness. "So... if you need anyone to talk to... get directions..." I raised an eyebrow. "...or anything, I'm here."  
  


Honda Tohru had...she had done...  
  


I got out of Kyou's grip then leaned forward until my nose almost touched his. "I'll take a rain check," I brushed my tongue lightly against his lips, "Koneko-chan," and turned and left.  
  


A stumbling fall crashed behind me and some words echoed along the lines of 'Black Haru' and 'perverted' and 'I'm gonna kill you when you turn white.'  
  


I stared into my hands.  
  
They were pale white.  
  



	2. Ni

Authors Notes: Arigatou for the reviews Minna. Sorry that it took me such a long time to get chapter 2 out...but um, it just came to me that I did not, in fact, have a plot...and I still don't think I do. *sweatdrop* So bear with me through this dramatic drivel, and maybe, just maybe, we'll find a point somewhere. ^^; Oh, as for pairing. I don't know what the pairing is either. The only thing I know is that it's a Haru fic. Rest assured though, there will be more of koneko-chan, one way or another. :) Kii...and oh, this chapter's a bit limey I suppose, and a bit dark.   
  


Chapter 2  
  


I've always wanted to protect her.   
  


All of us Sohmas had our share of multiple facades, insecurities, and maniac tendencies, but in our own false ways, each of us managed to paint an image of normality. It was what we wished for, after all, to be just another face in the crowd.   
  


She was different though. Kisa...Kisa didn't put up a mask like the rest of us. She let the words devour her, rip her apart until she was crippled. I remember her frail body in my arms, her tears bled onto me, droplet by droplet piercing my mind apart. I wondered in anger and despair then, how any being could be cruel this child. I wanted to collect her pain in my embrace. I wanted to tell her...tell her, 'Kisa, onii-chan will always be here for you,' but I didn't, and she ran away the next day. I knew I failed then. I failed to protect her. But I promised myself, Kisa, I promised I wouldn't fail you again. Did you understand Kisa? When those bullies tried to hurt you today. I had to go after them. I had to protect you, Kisa. I had to protect you. Yuki and Kyou were pulling me back, screaming at me because they thought had I lost it. But they didn't understand. You did, didn't you, Kisa? Didn't you?   
  


...All I could remember was her face. Crying. She was crying, but she didn't cry to me this time. She cried to Tohru while they restrained me...even they knew who she wanted, I guess I just didn't want to believe it, didn't want to believe how easily I could be replaced.  


  


***  
  


"I've said it before. You need to get a hold of yourself."  
  


Hatori had his back to me, examining his books while speaking in his monophonic voice. I was quite familiar with how this conversation would go, having gone through many of them.   
  


"Gomen."  
  


"You worry me lately," he sighed suddenly, turning to face me with a curiously desperate expression. I hid my surprise with unblinking eyes.  
  


Unnerved, I waited for him to continue. There was something in Hatori's voice that tore me away from apathy, something foreboding dangling from his usually calm persona, and suddenly I felt afraid.  
  


"Haru."  
  


"..."  
  


"Akito wants to see you."  
  


"...What?"  
  


"Akito."  
  


Seeing my horrific face softened his expression, Hatori laid a hand on my shoulder. It was a gesture of comfort, I knew, but still it felt as if every fiber in my body decided to bind together, and I could barely move.  
  


Was I scared? I didn't know. Strange, it was, I suppose, more than fright. No secret was it that Akito had his favorites in the family. Though he cared for all that belonged to him in a rash, possessive way, what Akito ever really wanted was...Yuki. All of us knew Akito loved Yuki, but no one spoke of it. When I was little, I spent most of my time playing and fighting with Kyou. We both hated Yuki, and I suppose our friendship was build sordidly on the fact. But then, Yuki was easily hated. He reminded me of Akito then, always reclining by a windowsill, gazing blankly at the world through those dulled violet eyes. He was haughty, I had thought, the stupid mouse that had robbed me of my pride with those violet eyes. It wasn't until that day, when I talked to him that day, did I understand Yuki, did I love Yuki. He had given me much that day. He had given me acceptance when rejection surrounded me. His words meant so much to me, because, strangely enough, he was Yuki. He was like that, beautiful enough to hate and love at the same time, but Yuki was also drowning then, enclosed in his own solemn grave, where Akito controlled his every move. I felt sad for him, and pathetic that I couldn't do anything, but then, Akito...Akito was Akito.   
  


I never understood Akito. I was too afraid to.   
  


The smell of incense ashes, dank and tantalizing permeated his room, Akito sprawled languidly on the floor, staring at the chink of light that stole its way in from the window. I stood there for a moment, just watching him until he rose and closed the window shades. He made his way toward me then, his kimono sifting between his light steps. Akito... reminded me a phoenix sometimes, a broken phoenix.   
  


"Hatsu...Haru," his voice was silky but sickly, like sugar coated pills Hatori gave me when I was little.  


I held my stance.   
  


"I haven't seen you in a while...Haru, not since...the year you danced, I don't think," Akito smiled, a half-drunk, half-sad smile that reminded me of a ghost. "You were beautiful then...and still are," he trailed a finger down my cheek and let it fall.  
  


Often I wondered how someone so brilliant and confident like Yuki could break so easily against Akito, so easily he resorted to running away. I knew now. I think. It was in his eyes, tired yet vigilant, in his voice, feeble yet corrosive, and in his pale white hand as they trailed dangerously across my body.  
  


"It's Tohru... It's Tohru isn't it? I can feel it. You're the only one..." I felt his cold digits invading beneath my shirt, and with a sudden jerk he was on top of me, raking his nails past my chest. "She's a bitch, isn't she?" he snickered.   
  


I bristled, but whether out of cowardice or his words I didn't know.  
  


"She's evil, Haru. She's EVIL. She thinks she can mend this cursed family with all her pretty sunshineness! I let her go on...but she'll bleed soon. She'll see that this isn't a game. She'll go away soon, and we'll claim what's ours... we'll get them back... we'll get them back..." suddenly, Akito coiled against me like a small child, his body slack. The moment passed quickly, however, and his hand traveled downwards while falcon-like eyes choked my attention away. Reaching down my pelvis with the white hands, he gripped a handful of my pubic hair. I gasped and reacted to push him away, but Akito was laughing, his teeth digging my chest in convulsive teeters. "You and I. Haru. We can get rid of the bitch. You'd like that, wouldn't you? You can take what's yours...and I can take what's mine, and we'll all be one big happy family. Right Haru? Right?"  
  


He was mad. Absolutely mad...   
  


Akito cupped my cheek one more time before leaving. I lied there stricken. What did he say? What did he want? What's he going to do to Tohru? Oh gods what just happened?   
  


I never understood Akito. I was too afraid to. 


	3. San

Author's Notes: having effectively frightened myself (and my lovely readers ^_^) with Akito, the fic goes on a slightly lighter note. Yeah right! You're dealing with me here. :P Actually, it is a bit lighter, somewhat... _ I sort of have a plot now though, and might as well just throw in a pairing. What the heck. I like Kyou/Haru, sure. :)  
  


Chapter 3   
  


"Haru? Are you okay? Are you there? Hey Haru...?" I saw my eyes reflected in a pair of bright, metallic brown eyes. Momiji.   
  


"Hm...?"  
  


"Ah! You are there! Why won't you come and have lunch with us today?"   
  


I stared at him with a blank face. When we walked down the street, people usually assume that he was my kid cousin twice removed or something, but I saw Momiji as a 15-year-old like me. Even people close to us (and that gives a grand total of...oh, the Sohmas) summed up our relationship in a protective/brotherly fashion, but that wasn't true either. I saw Momiji as my equal, because I understood Momiji, even if it doesn't appear so. I knew underneath his guise, he probably had more emotional problems than all of us combined.   
  


That was, until Hatsuharu decided to develop something alike a repressed jealousy / head cracking into a million pieces complex. Therefore, to my equal, Momiji, I said in my earnest voice. "I want to be alone today."   
  


He didn't get it though, and unceremoniously grabbed my arm. "Aww...no no! Come on, Haru! I'm so sick of you moping at home, moping at school, moping everywhere! You need to cheer up!"  
  


"Momiji," I muttered, bringing my other arm to my wrinkling forehead. "Please, not today."   
  


"But it's already boring without Tohru-kun! You have to come. I can't stand Yuki and Kyou fighting any longer."   
  


"Wha...what? Honda-san isn't here today?" I questioned him.  
  


Momiji shook his head sadly. "No... She's sick. We should visit her this afternoon! Yeah! How about it?"   
  


Dots began clouding my head, like small needles, not enough to hurt, but fed to the slow progress of blood loss. I'd been feeling like this lately, a numbing loss of mental sanity. Tohru was sick? Why was Tohru sick? Oh no, Akito didn't go off and poison her did he? This was all my fault. Akito's not going to give up... he'll torture Tohru. He'll torture her until...until I... But that's what you want, isn't it? You want to see her suffer. Don't you?  
  


"HARU," Momiji swung my arm harshly and suddenly I felt my sanity slipping away. Shit. No, not now, don't lose it now, please.  
  


"Look. What part of 'leave me alone' do your not understand?" I glared at the blonde with a wrath that I didn't know I was capable of before pushing him harshly away from me. Faintly, I winced as Momiji fell against the ground. It hurts...whenever this happens. It feels as if I was watching a horror movie, except it was real, and I was making it happen. Gomen, Momiji. Gomen, Yuki. Gomen, Kyou. Gomen, Tohru.  
  


Tohru.   
  


Abruptly, her smiling face was ripped to shreds, and my mind saw Akito with his long, slender fingers and blue lips.   
  


["You can do her a favor, Haru. You can make her forget. We don't have to ask Hatori. You can...you can..."]  
  


No! I don't want to. I don't want to...   
  


Dizzy, as the world spun around me. I fell onto the ground. Control, I needed control.   
  


"Haru! You stupid cow! What did you do to Momiji!" I felt a rough hand ringing my body up. Kyou's eyes burned right through my own, but I couldn't feel the heat.   
  


"Don't act dumb! What the hell's with you lately? Huh?!?" he shook me. "Do something?! Yell at me! Fight me? I will whip you until you can't tell the difference between black and white! Apologize to Momiji! Oi!!!"   
  


"Haru...it's okay. Just forget it," I heard Momiji's voice, reduced to a whisper.   
  


"Forget it? Hell no! You have to pay sometime for being such an idiot, Haru. I swear to Kami-sama I could kill you right now. First it was with those stupid kids, scaring Kisa, then it's..."   
  


"Kyou. Shut up," Yuki cut in, his voice like dry ice, quiet but effective.   
  


Not to Kyou though. "Who are you to tell me to shut up! Baka nezumi!? Cover Momiji's eyes for me while I beat the crap out of him."   
  


"Stop it," Yuki actually shoved Kyou aside before those violet holes settled into my own. Then he did something strange. "Stop thinking, Haru." He hugged me.   
  


Yuki Sohma swung his arms around my neck...and hugged me. "Stop thinking so much."   
  


"Yuki," I leaned into his embrace. I wanted to feel his pain curl against my own. "Yuki," is this what he had to endure all these years? All these years of...Akito?   
  


"Hatori...told me that you've been going through a lot lately. Everything will be okay though. Really." he smiled at me. A beautiful, Yuki-like smile. It was a smile of conciliation, of mock pity, of superficial empathy. Suddenly it stung. He didn't understand. No, Yuki didn't know that pain either, he couldn't. Yuki was pure, untouched. That's why Akito wanted Yuki, because no matter how hard he tried, he will never taint Yuki. But me, I was weak, I was impure, I was... The bastard, he probably thought I was mad and was using some kindergarten method to assuage me. After all, what did Yuki need of me? He only needed her...   
  


I pushed him off of me, "stop," and ran.   
  


From a distance, I thought I heard a round of curses from the Yuki's usually sustained lips, but I didn't let it bother me. I wasn't Yuki. I had nothing to lose.   



	4. Shi

Author's Notes: in reply, I apologize on the length of these chapters. I regulate the length by my very first chapter, and since that day the muse only gave me two pages, the rest have to follow through somewhat. Hmm, this fic is turning more torturous than I wanted to. There will be light I tell you! Thanks again for all the kind reviews. You guys rule. Haru fans unite! Lol. And lastly, I apologize for the shortness of this chapter, but I had to cut it, well, there.   
  


Chapter 4  
  


"You. Tree. How long. Did you not see?"  
  


Hands clutched his knees as he gasped for air, I gazed passively from the tree. "Yes." I did see him. I saw all of them - scrambling about, searching for me in vain.  
  


His eyes burned. "What game are you playing at, Haru? You think this is funny? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you on drugs? Get down from the tree and face me."  
  


I played with one of my rings, avoiding his gaze. Sometimes I feel crucified by that gaze. It was so intense, undiluted with determination. I don't know how Yuki could keep his cool against those eyes, but then Yuki wasn't the ice prince for nothing. I frowned at my thoughts. Yuki, I pushed him away like that. "Kyou, tell Yuki I'm sorry."  
  


He gave me a strange look before grunting. "Tell him yourself."  
  


A thick fold of silence grew, licking with its velvet tongue until he grew weary. Claimed, his body drooped to the ground, but his voice was cutting. "I'm surprised you didn't molest him right there," he chortled slightly. "He threw himself over-"  
  


I jumped down from the tree and had him in an arm lock. "Don't talk about me like that. I'm not like that. Don't talk about Yuki like that either," I muttered. "You know nothing."  
  


He struggled beneath my grip, Kyou-kun was strong. "Oh please don't give me that crap, Haru. Don't give me that 'nobody understands my pain' crap." he overthrew me. "You think you're the only one in pain? You're not, and you know what else? You're just a coward! That's right! Just a coward! You turn into Black Haru whenever you're pissed off and you throw a fit instead of dealing with your problems. Well now it's catching on isn't it? You can't always run can you?" he spat such cruel words at me.  
  


"To hell with your selfishness, Haru. I've had enough. I don't want to collect you when you're in pieces every time. You never remember afterwards anyway. You block out your misery with rage, you block anyone who try to help you, and then you forget what happened and turn into some zen monk when you're White Haru. What's wrong with you?! Control yourself goddammit!!" he shook me in exasperation.   
  


I hit him. He hit me. I hit him again. He growled in annoyance. _He caught me. He had me in a lock._ "Kyou-kun...is very strong. Unlike me, Kyou-kun is very...strong," I smiled.   
  


He gaped at me. His wild orange hair stuck out as his eyes scrutinized me in half-worry and half-amazement.  
  


"Kyou-kun..." I closed my eyes. "I don't always forget. I only remember what I want to. You remember that day? Kyou?" I opened my eyes, a feverish glint in them._ I caught him. I caught his lips._  
  


I had never kissed another boy before. There were times when I thought about it, but doing it was another thing. His lips were soft, natural, and smelled of spices. They weren't cold and coated in lipstick like Rin's. They were so sweet, so raw, and so angry. I could feel his ire catching up to his astonishment, soon he would push me away in disgust, but before then, I wanted to taste his wrath, I wanted to flirt with his slipping sanity. I bit. He groaned as I darted my tongue out beside his clenching teeth. He bit back, catching my own swollen lip. He had to, Kyou never backs away from a challenge. But I used his pride against him and raided his mouth.   
  


Curry spice.  
  


And then it was gone. He pushed me. His breathing short. His eyes unfocused. He looked at me, and he said, and he said... He couldn't say anything.  
  


My koneko-chan was gone before I could tell him, that this wasn't something I could forget. He wasn't something I could forget. 


	5. Go

Author's Notes: Um… hi, remember me?!? ::winces:: Erm, heheheh. What can I say? I'm really really sorry for the long long hiatus. Stuff happened, muse died, the usual, except, you know, for a really long time. ::sweatdrop:: Now I forgot where I was going with the plot again! So we'll just have to go with the whim. Oo This is getting sickening angsty. Please review... even thought I don't deserve it. 

Chapter 5

His strokes were soft, and I was vulnerable. There were things he murmured, maybe it was the way he said them, they made me curl up against his indolent embrace - like a cat.

"...C'mere kitty kitty kitty... they used to say, but Kyou hated it. Kyou-kun didn't like to be chased, my sweet, especially when he's occupied."

"I don't know why. I don't know why I did it," I heard myself say.

Akito smiled. "Love is strange, isn't it."

Strange. I remember that night. It was a cold night many years ago, and I had forgotten the way home. I remember the ferocious wind, blowing, whistling snowflakes, layers and layers built, and I was so cold, so lost. Then Kyou's shouting ripped through my eardrums. They were scolding as he lifted me into his arms. He was older than me only by a year, but Kyou-kun was strong.

"If you turn into a cow I'm definitely dropping you and leaving your ass in the cold, and if you freeze maybe you'll learn to remember your way home finally," he said, grunting with me on his back. He chanted 'baka baka ushi' the entire way back home, but the moment we got in the door, beaten by the cold, he transformed into a cat.

I did eventually learn my way home, if only to spite him. My entire relationship with Kyou had been built on mutual spite, and yet between the fights there was love. A strange love.

"I think he spites me."

"Foolish. Don't you see, Haru. Don't you see that it's her? He's blinded by her."

"He adores her. She saved him. She did, and I thank her," I retort, calmly,

"That's because he's too stubborn to let anyone else save him!" Akito suddenly grabbed my shirt collar. "He's a fool! Tricked by a human...just because...just because she's human! How stupid is that?"

"Humans are strange. They like to tease about my hair color. Tohru is different. Tohru doesn't care. She is special."

"_I_ don't care," he lets go of me. His forlorn eyes saw past me at the white wall behind. For a moment I had forgotten Akito the malicious and insane, because for a moment I saw in his eyes...that strange love. Perhaps this explained why I was holding a conversation with a madman. Empathy, or was it sympathy?

"Why do you love Yuki? He hates you, you know."

I saw him tense, but I didn't care. We were in the same boat, lost and mad. Akito and I were in the same boat. If anyone told me a week ago that I would admit to this, I would have told them they've gone and lost it.

"Yes, you're right. He hates me." There was something in Akito's smile that saddened me, a sort of desperate loneliness worse than a nightmare you couldn't get out of. "Love...love isn't for me, I cannot love. Yuki is only a toy for me." His mouth twisted now, into a malicious sneer.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, incredulous at his transformation from vulnerable to disdain.

"I consider it a duty to keep the foolish boy out of trouble, like with all of you. But Yuki feels too much, he feels more than even...Kyou. I have to hurt him to make him understand."

"You don't have to hurt him, just-"

But Akito chose to close the conversation. "I have my reasons, Haru. We're not privileged enough to have relationships with humans. It will always end in heartbreak, always. I let that stupid girl stay at Shigure's to teach them this. She will be gone, one way or another. I don't care if it breaks anyone's heart."

"Akito..."

"But I care about you, I care about all of you," Akito looked into my eyes then, lifting my chin. "I'll get rid of Tohru-san for you."

He smiled, then turned and left.

The world spun in strange curves all of a sudden, thoughts misplaced, moments stirred, it felt as if I was spinning out of time. I clutched onto what was the remainder of Akito, a beautifully designed silk blanket material and curled up in vain. Why was I here? Why was I unloading all my vulnerabilities at Akito? How did I become so weak, so pathetic? Oh shut up, Haru. Remember what he said? Remember? You're just a coward, always running away, not facing the consequences. Like you were with him...

"..C'mere kitty kitty kitty..." I stretched out my hand limply on the wooden floor, remembering an orange colored kitten, exhausted from the cold, and gathered void into my arms.


	6. Roku

Author's Notes: This chapter is... well, has more sexual innuendos, profanity. You are warned, my kittens. A lot more history too. I can't seem to go forward without sufficiently pulling everything from the past for some reason. Again, I'm kind of rusty with Fruits Basket plot, so if there is anything wrong or inconsistent in the plot with the anime/manga, please forgive. I know that everything is convoluted... to tell you the truth... I'm confused too, but ha, plot what plot?

Chapter 6

Waking up was strange. Waking up had always been a strange. Waking up meant strange particles of thoughts, who I was, where I was, what I was, crumbling down a foggy brain. But waking up today was different. I blinked, darting a hand forward as if in search of something, and before I could stop myself, "Kyou" slipped out into the dead quiet of the room. But there was no kitten curled up in sleep against me, nor was there a Kyou asleep straddling beside me, nor was there going to be a Kyou, suddenly awake and wide eyed, spluttering wordlessly at the sight of the two of us, naked as the day as we were born, our limbs piled together, and then a Kyou screaming every curse word under the sun.

Oh yes, I started laughing. I remembered what I choose to remember, like the exact shade of red rising to his cheeks, out of both embarrassment and rage, followed by his hopeless almost miserable screaming on something like "don't you have any concept of modesty?!?!" and how he stalked away with a blanket in hand when I made no response. I laughed that day too, when he walked away muttering threats, closing the door behind him, I laughed like I had never before. It was just all so ridiculous. Everything. The way Kyou reacted! And modesty? What had gotten into him? It wasn't like Kyou had anything I hadn't seen then. It wasn't like... and that was moment when I'd felt it, a strange warmth stirring from the depth of confusion and...desire. It was that moment when I'd felt the thudding of my heart, racing ahead beyond any logic, a warmth that I then tried to quell quickly, desperately, somehow, anyhow, faster, faster, god, KYOU!

"Uhh...!!" I moaned into deep-seated revulsion as self-pleasure shook me over.

They say every boy discovers himself. Well, I discovered myself that day, in more than one way, and I hated it, despised it. The way I was. That new burgeoning feeling inside of me.

"Fuck..." I crammed a fist against my forehead. "Freak. Baka ushi. Baka ushi. Baka ushi!" I repeated.

When I saw Kyou again after that incident, he didn't greet me with his trademark jovial but threatening "how's it going? Baka ushi?" he scowled instead, just threateningly, as much threat as a 12-year-old could muster, anyway.

I think I nodded politely at him, and then, I remember a flicker of surprise, and... hurt? It lasted no more than a second, I think, but I remembered. Everything went back to the way they were after that, at least, on surface they did. Kyou and I drifted back to bickering and fighting. He'd win and I'd turn into Black Haru and kick his ass, and then he'd end up having to clean up whatever mess I'd made, until I'd be rudely awaken by his rough shakes telling me to clean up after my own mess and etc. etc. blah blah lecture. So much pointless fighting, but I couldn't stop myself from challenging him. I needed something, something as precise and single-minded as a fighting that hid temporarily the more complicated thoughts I'd have of him. Then one day, Kyou, like Yuki, left the Sohma household. That's when I started wearing skin tight shirts and leather pants, got piercings, got a tattoo, listened to rock music, started saving up for a motorcycle, and there was Rin.

I really do think Rin is quite possibly the most beautiful woman there ever was, a woman, who was barely a woman, but who knew too much to be a girl. There's age and weariness in her eyes, not the settled kind you'd find in aged wine, but a delicate fragileness as that of priceless china. In short, Rin was a broken spirit, and somehow, we had that much in common, our congenial hidden self-loathing and sometimes explosive temperament behind perfect porcelain. We made a good match, as fire and a match did, mutually destructive. It wasn't... love, but I needed her. I needed her because I needed to lie to myself. I wanted to erase the burn that haunted me since that incident with Kyou, whatever the hell it was, and replace it with a yearning, a yearning for this beautiful woman lying in my arms, even if only physically! God knows I tried, selfishly, unabashedly. We never talked about what bothered us. Somehow we both knew we were using each other, but I thought it harmless. Then one day, she came to me, and we did what we usually did, listened to J-Rock, smoked whatever she stashed in the headboard, and "made love." We did what we usually did, until she started crying. Rin never cried, I'd managed about as much as a wince with her, but she started sobbing against my chest.

"Gomen ne, Haru. Gomen!" she choked.

I knew something was wrong then, but I didn't ask. I never ask. That day was the first and last time I really saw her, but I still remember her smile as she walked toward the door to leave. The sun was setting, dying her eyes burgundy.

"Haru... You're good, Haru. You're still good, don't give up like me. Don't let it get to you. Don't be afraid," she smiled and left, as light as a whimsical shadow.

Rin never smiled.


End file.
